I haven't written in a very long time. I used to, back when I could feel the small joys of life. Every little thing that made my heart sing or make me weak. I welcomed joy and pain. I embraced it as a journey we must all go through.
I once was a girl so sure of herself; who knew everything about herself, who faced the world with pride and fortitude. I met obstacles and stumbling blocks, like we all do, but it was momentary. The pain or disappointment was fleeting. I always had something to be proud of. To look forward to. I once knew what it was like to laugh like a child, dance like nothing else mattered, and listen to music like I was part of it. I was perfectly happy in my imperfect life. Even if I was incomplete, I was blissfully unaware of it.
A girl like any girl, with big dreams, and a bigger heart, a longing for love, and full of songs she never sung, a dance that never got real..... a theatre of mixed emotions, stories and plays she writes herself. She s the writer and the director, yet each story comes with a twist she hasnt imagined. Why is there always a crooked corner, a sensation, a string which pulls you back just when you can see the light. WHO AM I? I dont know anymore.
I walk and walk, I know I am lost. I wish I could retrace my steps. Fix my errors. Win those battles. At 27, what do I have left? Instead of a new beginning to my 'happily ever after', I am picking up the pieces of what s left of a broken heart and broken dreams. I bleed. and then some more. And then some more. God please stop, I have ntg more to give you! I m bled dry of all that I thought was good. My spirit is crushed. What more do you WANT? I am living in a dungeon of my own mistakes, my own emotions, my own twisted realities. I created my own prison and I never even realized it.
First there s a tremble. Then a sob. Then you choke back your tears in the desperate attempt to be strong. To hold your head high. We all know that feeling. To smile through your tears. And practice makes you perfect at it. No one even knows the terrible cry of agony and pain within. Left alone , by myself, I am painfully aware of this acute stinging consistent pain. And in a crowd, even more so. People are always the happiest when you are not.
I see my friends getting happily married, I want to wish them well. I just find myself envying them. What happened to my happily ever after? Its not fair. I have to mask my pain. I wear so many masks each day. Only when I am safely alone in my room, I let those tears out. clutch myself tightly in an effort to not break down. Birds are chirping outside, yet I dont hear them. A dull silence engulfs me. walls are closing in. There is no sound, yet I feel like there's an explosion. A deep thunder that no one hears but me.
I want to break free. From these shackles of insanity, the chains of self pity and doubt. I see a happy bride, or a joyful couple, and I think to myself, it could have been me. Why dont I get that chance? If I did, why was I blind to it? What a wonderful world! This life that is given to me, is precious. Yet fate keeps playing games that make me wish I was a butterfly with a few days to live, than a lifetime of human emotions.
'hahahaha', the sound of childrens giggles are heard from my window. I peek out, and I see innocent joy limitless in its purity. They look at me with sympathetic eyes. I pray, god, dont give them my pain. Let them be as innocent and pure as they are. As I once was. As I will never be. With an evil grin, the face of fate gives a ghoulish smile, and then I stare numb. I cant move. I cant breathe. * curtain falls *
What a wonderful world.
I once was a girl so sure of herself; who knew everything about herself, who faced the world with pride and fortitude. I met obstacles and stumbling blocks, like we all do, but it was momentary. The pain or disappointment was fleeting. I always had something to be proud of. To look forward to. I once knew what it was like to laugh like a child, dance like nothing else mattered, and listen to music like I was part of it. I was perfectly happy in my imperfect life. Even if I was incomplete, I was blissfully unaware of it.
A girl like any girl, with big dreams, and a bigger heart, a longing for love, and full of songs she never sung, a dance that never got real..... a theatre of mixed emotions, stories and plays she writes herself. She s the writer and the director, yet each story comes with a twist she hasnt imagined. Why is there always a crooked corner, a sensation, a string which pulls you back just when you can see the light. WHO AM I? I dont know anymore.
I walk and walk, I know I am lost. I wish I could retrace my steps. Fix my errors. Win those battles. At 27, what do I have left? Instead of a new beginning to my 'happily ever after', I am picking up the pieces of what s left of a broken heart and broken dreams. I bleed. and then some more. And then some more. God please stop, I have ntg more to give you! I m bled dry of all that I thought was good. My spirit is crushed. What more do you WANT? I am living in a dungeon of my own mistakes, my own emotions, my own twisted realities. I created my own prison and I never even realized it.
First there s a tremble. Then a sob. Then you choke back your tears in the desperate attempt to be strong. To hold your head high. We all know that feeling. To smile through your tears. And practice makes you perfect at it. No one even knows the terrible cry of agony and pain within. Left alone , by myself, I am painfully aware of this acute stinging consistent pain. And in a crowd, even more so. People are always the happiest when you are not.
I see my friends getting happily married, I want to wish them well. I just find myself envying them. What happened to my happily ever after? Its not fair. I have to mask my pain. I wear so many masks each day. Only when I am safely alone in my room, I let those tears out. clutch myself tightly in an effort to not break down. Birds are chirping outside, yet I dont hear them. A dull silence engulfs me. walls are closing in. There is no sound, yet I feel like there's an explosion. A deep thunder that no one hears but me.
I want to break free. From these shackles of insanity, the chains of self pity and doubt. I see a happy bride, or a joyful couple, and I think to myself, it could have been me. Why dont I get that chance? If I did, why was I blind to it? What a wonderful world! This life that is given to me, is precious. Yet fate keeps playing games that make me wish I was a butterfly with a few days to live, than a lifetime of human emotions.
'hahahaha', the sound of childrens giggles are heard from my window. I peek out, and I see innocent joy limitless in its purity. They look at me with sympathetic eyes. I pray, god, dont give them my pain. Let them be as innocent and pure as they are. As I once was. As I will never be. With an evil grin, the face of fate gives a ghoulish smile, and then I stare numb. I cant move. I cant breathe. * curtain falls *
What a wonderful world.
